Today I want to share with you a private story. I realized after talking to friends that many people are going through the same thing as I or similar, so why not talk about it? Hopefully it will make it easier for everyone.
When you choose to have a child you take on a life term commitment. The child however is never asked if he or she wants to enter this particular relationship with these particular individuals (parents).
My childhood was challenging. I didn't receive any support or guidance in any kind of way. Nor practical or emotional. This can have both positive and negative effect on the grown up person. I think what many people think instinctively is: bad. Well I can say that it can have a few positive effects also. But that story I will tell another time. Still mostly it is negative I think. I was also exposed to physical and psychological violence.
Life goes on, you become older…your parents become older. I've kept a little bit contact with one of my parents. I've managed to forgive a little. Not fully.
Then suddenly comes the day when the parent is old and sick and he/she needs you for the things society can't provide.This is what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about the stress, anguish, anger and constant digging in old wounds that this phase of life holds.
Being thrown between all these feelings. Wanting to scream: - No! I can’t! I don’t want to. You didn’t give me any reason to feel empathy for you. And the other side of you wanting to care, wanting to be part of just something, even if it's completely broken. Wanting to be needed by someone. I think in every healthy person there is an instinct to want to care for another. I've felt this instinct strongly. When you see a week and defenseless person the instinct to help is stronger than many years of abuse from the very same person.
So sometimes you give in to this instinct. You offer your help. At the same time as you hold this stress and anxiousness of having to spend time with the very same person that abused you and up till now reminds you of this in his/her presence.
Also, EVEN IF you decide not to meet the abusive parent, you are not free anyway, as long as you have not forgiven. The trauma will replay in your mind either way. That is why I have most of the time given in to the instinct to help. Because I know that I will suffer even if I don’t. Yes a little bit more when meeting the abuser of course. But that has been my choice most of the times. Thought I'm always ambivalent about it.
However it’s not only the pain in meeting the abuser again and again…Everyone who has grown up in dysfunctional families knows how much work you are left to do alone, long after you've left the home and grown up. Not only are you without a family in a chaotic world…you are probably also carrying many dysfunctional behaviors, that takes time and effort to overcome. Behaviors that affects all parts of your life. I feel like I started building up my life slowly from the age of 29.
I hope I can help someone with my story and experiences. I feel like this subject has not been talked about that much.
Astrology has played a huge role in my healing process. For example when I understood my birth chart I could see all the gifts I possess, and how I could use them. This has given me so much strength and confidence. I honestly don't know where I would have ended up without the guidance from Astrology.
Please share your comments and thoughts! I'd love to hear.
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Photography: Miss Aniela